A LETTER TO MY SONS...
I wrote this letter to vent about what has been going on at home lately. As the boys grow older and their personalities mature, I am finding myself more and more aware of the role I have to play as their mother. So, tonight, I wrote this letter to them. Hopefully, one day they'll understand why I am how I am with them...
Dear Simon & Lucas,
Sometimes I need a hug too...💔 Tonight especially... I hate being the bad guy but sometimes being 'mean' has a purpose for the betterment of those around us. So, here is my reasoning for being unkind in your eyes...
I just had a small but serious argument with a pair of very stubborn little boys: Simon & Lucas, you. I made you both cry. With you, Simon, because now that you understand that you have Autism and it is considered a disability, you are starting to take advantage of people by helping them think you are 'stupid'. Far from it, kid. All that means to me is that you have to work harder, not be lazier. You got the wrong mom for that... #sorrynotsorry. With you, Lucas, because I won't allow you to always help your brother or give him the answers to hard questions... Not happening. Not on my watch.
Simon, I know you are mad that I wouldn't give you the answers to words you were reading even after sounding them out. You were too lazy to put the sounds together and wanted me to just give you the answer. Lucas, you're mad because I wouldn't let you tell your brother the answers to those words that you find so easy.
I had to sit you both down separately and explain the following:
• Lucas shouldn't always help or give the answers to Simon because it will make Simon lazy and dependent of others.
• It takes Simon 10X longer to understand, learn, process the same things Lucas does. Lucas needs to learn that giving his brother the answers will only delay his brother’s ability to speed up his brain’s processing and resourcefulness.
• Simon shouldn’t use his disability as a way out of learning. Just because he has Autism, it does not give him a ticket to excuse himself out of becoming independent or capable. Even if it takes him 100 more tries than his brother, he needs to be as self-sufficient as possible. No ands, ifs, or buts.
These last three points are non-negotiable. Period.
To those points, let me also add these:
• I have high expectations for both, regardless of how fast or slow you learn. You will both be given the same amount of attention, instruction, love, appreciation but will be independently adjusted to your strengths. Whatever you lack on or struggle with, we will emphasize more to strengthen that area. Disability or not, you are expected to thrive because we are giving you the tools to succeed.
• We love you both the same. The exact same amount. But your needs and personalities are different; therefore, our affection will be disbursed accordingly. Lucas, we don’t love you any less because we dedicate more therapy times to Simon. Simon, we don’t love you any less because we encourage more advanced tasks from Lucas.
• I can’t always be nice. I can’t always be your friend. Because I am your mother. My job is to love you unconditionally and no matter what, to encourage you when you’re struggling, to push you out of your comfort zone, to hug you when you hurt, to be brutally honest when you’re acting a fool, to support you when you do things out of the norm, to give you the tools you need to succeed, to educate you when you need extra help, to give you perspective when you’re lost... but I can’t always be nice. Once I am gone, the world won’t always be nice and you need to be able to cope and fend for yourself when the time comes.
• You are capable, intelligent, witty, smart, funny, kind, hard-working, strong. Do not waste those talents on stuff that doesn't matter or won't benefit yourself or others. Instead cultivate the gifts you were naturally given and create skills that will better your future and the future of those around you.
I believe you are majestic and magical. You're my greatest accomplishment and would hate to see you fail. And that is why I am mean... I am sorry I made you cry tonight. Believe me, I cry inside every time I have to be tough on you. But I have to do this now that you are little, so you grow with a greater sense of self. Know that you are able to achieve whatever you set your mind to, all you have to do is work hard and never give up.
I love you, my two precious little boys.
Mom